I don’t understand you Lord, but I will still serve you!

I was reading this blog tonight-

Sunday, September 6, 2009

sometimes i wonder…

With Cora not being with us now,

there are so many times I find myself wondering.

Yesterday I thought about Cora so much as she would have been 18 months old. It is hard to even imagine her that old. It is hard to believe that much time has gone by.

I wonder what she would be doing as an 18 month old.

What new things would she be learning?

What words would she be saying?

What would be her favorite thing to eat?

Would her personality be more like her mama or daddy?

How long would her pretty brown hair be by now?

What would we be doing together during our days at home?

I wonder why Cora had to get sick.

Why did God choose to take Cora home so quickly?

Why didn’t He heal Cora?

Why did He choose to draw us and others closer to Himself through Cora’s death instead of through her healing?

I wonder what our lives would have looked like this fall if she was here and everything was still “normal”.

I wonder what it is going to be like to welcome this new little one into our lives.

Will he/she look like Cora?

Will we feel like first time parents again?

Will it be hard to use Cora’s baby things for this baby or will it be healing?

What will it be like to have our arms filled again?

Will it be easier to be around our friends kids again?

Will we always be overprotective parents because of what happened to Cora?

Today as we sang Jesus Loves Me in church.

I wondered why I was having to wipe away my tears because my heart was aching so intensely, instead of singing this sweet song with Cora in my arms.

I think many of these things I will always wonder.

I may never understand.

I will never fully comprehend God’s ways.

But I know that when it comes to my relationship with God

and my future with Him,

I don’t have to wonder.

I will never need to wonder about God’s love for me.

I will never need to wonder how my story will end.

A friend told me awhile back that this part of my life is like a really bad chapter in a really good book.  While I don’t know what the rest of my story will hold, I can be confident about the ending. I know that the end of my story is so incredibly sweet that I can’t even begin to imagine.

That is the TRUTH that keeps me going.

That is the TRUTH that I will never have to wonder about.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Wow! I just love this entry~ not because the writer has it together, but the raw honesty in which she writes.  I’m angry and don’t understand you Lord, but I will still serve you……….how many times does our heart shout that but we continue touting theology or religious liturgy.

We pretend we’ve got it together or at least we are working though our crap. But if truth be told many times we just content sitting right there in the middle of it to ashamed to tell anyone that’s were we’re at. Learning to tell God our hearts (or at least my heart) is a fearful road, I’m not completely sure why being vulnerable to our Lord is scary since he’s already got a handle on my heart before I ever utter a word. Laughable, I know.  But this author just lays it out there….her grief is real and raw, her heart can never understand why God would allow such pain to transcend on her home.  But her faith that He is still her Lord is unwavering.

That is the kind of peace I want to experience every day.  When your faith is not determined by circumstance.

Hurt Vs. Harm

Right now I’m about to HARM my computer! I really would like to embed a video from Cloud and Townsend here, but I seem to be at a loss for how to do such a thing……..

so here is the link – http://www.cloudtownsend.com/videoserver/video.php?clip=CCNT2058

I seem to still be trying to finish my Get Out of That Pit book before I begin my next Bible study. I was struck today, again, by a concept that has transformed my thinking.  It is this HURT vs. HARM. Is what I’m doing hurting this person or harming them.  Beth is talking today, about Making up your mind to get out of the pit.

“Cooperating with God though painful relationship transitions may be the hardest work of all in our deliverance fro the pit. Persevere with Him and trust Him-not just with your life, but also with their lives. you weren’t doing them any favors by staying in the pit with them, despite what they say. “

And here again I ask myself, does me getting out of my pit hurt my family( in Christ) members?  Yes maybe, but am I harming them? More then likely not.

This concept really rocks the foundation of my people pleasing “skills”. I have taken out several relationships and had to ask “Which of your (my) relationships are fueled by genuine affection, and which are fueled by addiction? I don’t know about you, but I’ve done exactly what the apostle Paul accused the Galatians of doing. I’ve started relationships in the spirit that somewhere along the way veered into the flesh(Galatians 3:3). regardless of how we began, we can become as emotionally addicted to a relationship as to a substance.” – Beth Moore – WOW!!!!

At this point I’m struggling putting this puzzle that fits together so nicely in my mind into words that make sense to anyone else. So if you read my words here and they sound jumbled and uniformed, know before they hit the page they made sense in my mind! Maybe tomorrow I can be more concise and direct.

Carrie Underwood – How Great Thou Art

http://www.christianbook.co…GMC Christian Music Video Gospel Music Channel Carrie Underwood – How Great Thou Art

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GRACE VERSES HOLINESS

Recently I’ve been pondering God & who he is and how much I want to understand him, which somehow in my human mind I put him in a box. Not a real box but a box in my mind.

God is a just and holy God. He is angry and jealous the Bible tells us this much. He HATES & DESPISES sin.Then there is God who is love and GRACE. Who forgives and nurtures. Jesus lived this parallel while on the earth. He went from “let the little children come to me” to flipping tables in the temple.

As Christians we struggle, or at least I struggle. Grace does not nullify Holiness. Grace can not exist without justice. In our, or let me speak in the first person, I can get God’s Grace – I get God’s Holiness. But understanding how they coexist….I’m still trying to understand.

This I am sure of they are Not Oil and Vinegar. When I make my salad dressing I’ve got to shake the put bottle with all my might with all my might to get the two liquids mix. God’s character doesn’t have to be shaken to mix, they are so intertwined they can not be distinguished from each other. Much like a scrambled egg. There is the yoke & white both egg when you scramble them you see them mixed together. They stay together you see white in the yellow but you can’t unscramble and egg.

So the question becomes how do I live this? (that is rhetorical of course).  I find as I talk to those who believe they either get one or the other or they think they get both, but flushing that out in their lives gets them all confused and running in a circle.  In making these observations about people I’m not passing judgment,  it just becomes seemingly more obiouse to me that as human’s we can NOT fully understand how complex our God is or how truly simple our faith needs to be.

It is Well With My Soul

History of It is Well with My Soul

Horatio Spafford’s Praise Worship Music Immensely Inspires

Brief biography of christian lawyer Horatio G. Spafford and the history of the inspiring hymn he wrote, “It is Well with My Soul.”

The hymn “It is Well with My Soul” becomes closest to heart for one undergoing grief. Written by a Presbyterian laywer Horatio G. Spafford (1828-1888) and composed by Philip P. Bliss (1838-1876), this deeply touching gospel song has long been loved.

The scripture reference is Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Text Author and Hymn-Writer Horatio G. Spafford

Spafford was born on October 20, 1828 in North Troy, New York. He was a successful lawyer in Chicago who maintained a keen interest in Christian activities, deeply spiritual and devoted to the scriptures.

Chicago Fire and a Son’s LossSometime in 1871, a fire in Chicago heavily devastated the city, and months before that , Spafford had invested hugely in real estate by the shore of Lake Michigan. The disaster greatly wiped out his holdings. Before the fire, Spafford also experienced the loss of his son.

A Calm and Worst Life Storm

Two years after the fire, Horatio Spafford planned a trip to Europe for him and his family. He wanted a rest for his wife and four daughters, and also to assist Moody and Sankey in one of their evangelistic campaigns in Great Britain. He was not meant to travel with his family. The day in November they were due to depart, Spafford had a last minute business transaction and had to stay behind in Chicago. Nevertheless, he still sent his wife and four daughters to travel as scheduled on the S.S. Ville du Havre, expecting to follow in a few days. On November 22, the ship laden with his wife and daughters was struck by the Lockhearn, an English vessel, and sank in few minutes.

Wife “Saved Alone”

After the survivors were finally landed somewhere at Cardiff, Wales, Spafford’s wife cabled her husband with two simple words, “Saved alone.” Shortly after, Spafford left by ship on his way where his beloved four daughters had drowned, and pen at hand, wrote this most poignant text so significantly descriptive of his own personal grief – “When sorrows like sea billows roll...” The hymn “It is Well with My Soul” was born.

It is Well with My Soul

It is noteworthy that Horatio Spafford did not dwell on the theme of life’s sorrows and trials, instead, focused in the third stanza on the redemptive work of Christ, and in the fourth verse, anticipates His glorious second coming. (Refer below for CyberHymnal’s link)

Composer Philip Bliss

Philip P. Bliss, the hymn composer, was a prolific writer of gospel songs. He was so impressed with the experience and expression of Spafford’s text that he shortly wrote the music for it, first published in one of the praise hymn book, Sankey-Bliss Hymnals, Gospel Hymns No. 2. Shortly after writing ‘It is Well With My Soul,’ Bliss died in a tragic train accident.

On reflection, it is divinely amazing that one could experience such personal tragedies and sorrows as did Horatio Spafford, yet, able to say with such convincing clarity, “It is well with my soul.” It is an enormous challenge to embrace the significance of this hymn.

First Stanza of the Hymn

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

It is Well With My Soul by Brian Doerksen,

Why do I seem to struggle so much with actually living here( It is well with my soul)?  In the midst of the storm, or even in the aftermath of a storm – it seems so hard to just live contently or with my soul at peace.  I long to be in the place the the author of this hymn was in.  I think it  concept of resting really resonates in me on many levels.  It is probably why Isaiah 40 is such a part of my life – I just really struggle with waiting – finding true peace in my soul.

Chris Tomlin – “I Will Rise”

I Will Rise Lyrics Artist(Band):Chris Tomlin There’s a peace I’ve come to know Though my heart and flesh may fail There’s an anchor for my soul I can say “It is well” Jesus has overcome And the grave is overwhelmed The victory is won He is risen from the dead [Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name No more sorrow, no more pain I will rise on eagles’ wings Before my God fall on my knees And rise I will rise There’s a day that’s drawing near When this darkness breaks to light And the shadows disappear And my faith shall be my eyes Jesus has overcome And the grave is overwhelmed The victory is won He is risen from the dead [Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name No more sorrow, no more pain I will rise on eagles’ wings Before my God fall on my knees And rise I will rise And I hear the voice of many angels sing, “Worthy is the Lamb” And I hear the cry of every longing heart, “Worthy is the Lamb” [x2] [Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name No more sorrow, no more pain I will rise on eagles’ wings Before my God fall on my knees And rise I will rise

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Praise You In The Storm

A summary from my trip to see Beth Moore in Pittsburgh.

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The Perfect Storm

Act 27 & 28

1. Sometimes we are in the exact spot where several storms collide.

2. The question of fault always arises in a furious storm.

3. The titanic temptation in a storm is to give way to it.

4. To make it through the storms sometimes we have to cut the ropes.

5. Our one life can invite the favor of of God to many in the storm.

6.On the other side of a perfect storm the serpent is all bite and no venom.

7. The point of the perfect storm is to see the work of God though us unhindered.

As I evaluate the storms in my life, I can see how God has worked in ME. My perfect storm wasn’t so much about me reaching others, but more about me needing Christ. Me clinging to him. Me realizing that he is my all in all. I HATE the storms my I’ve walked, but if trading those storms meant I had to give back the glory and peace that God has also given me, I have to say NO THANKS!

I of course don’t want more storms in my life, but more then that I don’t want to EVER have to take one step on this journey called life with out GOD’s devine and unending love. So if expeireincing his love and grace means, I have storms, then I’ll endure the storms.  After all, the journey is getting where I was born to go; seeing the wunhindered work of God!

Meeting Our Father

A friend of mine is meeting her biological father for the first time today in Thirty some odd years.  She is nervous, excited, scared, happy, relieved – basically everything rolled in to one big ball of uncontrollable  emotion.  As I thought about her situation I was thinking about how this could apply to my life.  I’ve know my biological father my entire life. He’s a wonderful man whom I count it a privileged to call him Dad- but what about my heavenly Father.

My friend made the statement about her biological father that struck me – “He has nothing to do with who I am, but everything to do with the fact I’m here.”  This is something that has resonated with me all day today. Is my heavenly Father that to me? Do I think Jesus really has nothing to do with who I am? Is he something that I only worry about on the side, when I get everything else in life done? After the to do list is checked off and I done with my day- then I make time for him?

I want my Lord to be both- My heart’s desire is that Christ is EVERYTHING to do with who I am and everything to do with the fact I’m here.  I have a desire to be a vessel the Lord uses. I don’t know how he’ll use me. I can’t quite seem to get it together for him to use me inside my home, let alone for him to use me to further his kingdom outside of my house. But that doesn’t change my wanting to be like Christ.

I hope I am  equally as emotional in anticipating meeting my Father as my friend is today!

In Christ Alone – Travis Cottrell

In Christ Alone from “Alive Forever” by Travis Cottrell

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In Christ Alone with The Solid Rock Lyrics & Video

Travis Cottrell (Author) See albums and popular songs

In Christ alone my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace;
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease;
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid,
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay.
Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious Day,
Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory,
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me.
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand.
‘Til He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

Getting Out of the Pit

Psalm 40 (New International Version)

Psalm 40:1-3

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

This passage is fast becoming one of my favorite verses.  I think I posted this a few months back. But I am again amazed (and not sure why I find it amazing) how God has put this verse in my life agian.  In day one of Get Out of that Pit (which I thought was to be split up into two day, which has alreay put me behind in my 40 Day journey! lol)  we were ask to journal about what this passage means to us. I wanted to share my simple little thoughts about this passage!

The first thing that strikes me when I read it is the despair of the crap David is living in! He is stuck in the muck! Then when I read it the second time, I see all he did was WAIT & ASK, GOD did the WORK! For my type A personality who’s love language is Acts of Service. I find this hard to do, WAIT. What does that look like? What does it mean to ALLOW God to do the WORK?  I’m in the PIT and he reaches down and grabs me and places me on the rock!

Psalm 40 (The Message)

Psalm 40

A David Psalm

^1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.

I’ve also included the Message, at the end of the passage the interpretation “abandoning themselves to God”.

Let me get this correct, I wait & ask God to get me out of the pit. He pulls me out and places me on the rock, and in return I abandon myself to him, it seems simple, but at the same time REALLY HARD. Maybe because of that last part, I will abandon, myself to him. I don’t know if that is what I really want to do. I think my motive is more along the lines of “God, get me out of this Pit so I can get on with MY life!” I don’t really want to surrender my heart to him. I him to help me, when I want him to help me, (that is me not even getting the patiently waiting part of it) then I do what I want to do. This make God a tool in my life not a relationship.

Now before you call your pastor, or better yet my pastor, with alarmed and asking for an intervention for me- let me just say you are getting the unedited version here! This is raw and real. It is all the time, but if I’m honest, more often then I really care to admit I want God on MY terms, not HIS. I’m not willing to wait, let alone patiently wait. Then I don’t like the result, completely abandoning myself to HIM. As I work though the next forty day, which will more then likely take me fifty, I want to concentrate on my heart and my motives. I want to patiently wait for God, on his terms, I want to as a result of the beautiful things he has done abandon myself to HIM, so that people(mainly my family) will see and Trust God, not because of me, but because of God’s POWER to lift me OUT OF THE MUCK!