Here we go again

It has been a while since I’ve posted. Please don’t mistake my lack of writing for a lack of growth! I’ve been processing and praying. There has been so much going on in my life. So many things that have been causing me to evaluate my life and how I’m living it. I’ll try and update you on a few of them.

My anger – I can’t honestly sit here and say I’ve arrived – I haven’t master the “Be Angry and sin not”, but I’m learning and growing. I seeing where my anger comes from and how to process it quicker.  I have pinned down that my anger is mostly caused my feeling controlled.  Chapter four in our book was a huge eye opener for me! Feeling Controlled Causes Anger – step 4. Choose to relinquish your cravings for control in exchange for freedom. I’m pretty sure I was the case study for the chapter. One of the thoughts that I not only highlighted, but underlined and starred was, “There’s nothing in my world that fits my preferences. Everywhere I turn I feel controlled by something I can do absolutely nothing about!”

The discovery of being married to an addict, took the wind right out of me. The above quote has been my life’s montage for the past 3 years, and more then likely before that – I just couldn’t put my finger on what the REAL problem was! Of course as God reveals himself to me and I sift through what is MY junk to work on and what is my husband’s junk for me to let go of – the barometer moves towards freedom!  With this revelation, I feel like I notice my husbands anger more and more. I am learning to stop myself from being sucked into the cycle. I am learning to say, “I would like to discuss this like two grown adults.” or ” can you please tell me what your expectations are?” or “I feel like I am being……..”

As you can imagine the combination of me setting the boundaries on my own anger and trying to take myself out of the game isn’t easy for me or my husband. He feels that I am trying to manipulate him. Honestly, I’m not. I just trying to not engage in the anger battle!

Of course another revelation is that when he hurts me – I take it out on my kids! WOW! How selfish am I? I’m hurt and angry at my husband so I yell and scream at my kids because they are not fitting my preferences! OK – now I’ve committed to STOPPING that behavior  COLD TURKEY! My children didn’t ask to be part of this family. They did not ask for mom & dad to have problems ! So I’m working on it! Realizing they are NOT mini adults, but children, who need to be taught and molded – kind of like me! And are we all not children of GOD – which makes them, not something for me to CONTROL – but my EQUAL!

I’ve also, started a women’s bible study at my church- Philippians! OUCH! and our Sunday School class – PEACEMAKING!!!! DOUBLE OUCH!!!!

It just seems like everything is building on the next thing – I a little overwhelmed by it all. But am committed to growth.

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Why can’t you Love me?

It has been a few weeks since I’ve posted. And the lack of writing in this forum is NOT a lack of growth or writing in my journals.  I started my anger management class 3 weeks ago. As I’m open and honest with my friends they find it laughable. BUT the more I learn about my anger struggles, the more it is evident to me that most of us- dare I say all of us struggle with anger. The real issue is many of us don’t’ know what anger looks like, so we don’t think we have a problem.

Now enough about fixing the world. Let talk about my journey! Last night our chapter was on Why Can’t you Just Love Me? Step 3: Let go of excessive dependencies so your anger management is inwardly directed rather than externally determined.   As we were going through our workbook, our teacher pointed out the five love languages (touch. gifts, time, words of affirmation, and acts of service). My languages is hands down acts of service. This is how I say I love you and this is how I hear it.  The point was then made that when we don’t feel loved, more then likely our love language is not being met. So when my kids don’t clean up their room – I hear – I don’t LOVE YOU.

As I’m unpacking this thought – it is so true. When I ask someone to do something for me, and for whatever reason they don’t – I feel unloved and disrespected. And this creates a feeling of injustice – which makes me angry. For example- to my child “please go clean up your room” their action is to completely ignore me.  I then ask again, a bit more firmly this time. I am again ignored. By this point my blood is boiling so I’m now shouting – DID YOU HEAR ME? GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM! – I never made the connection until last night that I feel unloved by my child—–

I find the same thing with my husband. His job is to take out the trash. In the evening the trash can is full, he doesn’t feel like going outside anymore that night, so plans to take it out in the morning. Morning comes, he forgets to take it out. I now have a FULL trash can all day! I feel unloved! I am angry with him because he did not love me though acts of service.

Now that I have processed the WHY – I do this – now I got to work on changing it. God needs to be who I turn to get my love! Not my husband or kids. Sure they can add to God’s love. But lets face it. They are nothing more then sinners. They will disappoint me and break my heart again and again for the rest of my life.  I can talk to my husband about what God has revealed to me – but to think he’ll remember to take out the trash every day for the rest of our life’s – is a goal that he’ll not be able to ascertain.

So, today I’m thinking and working on how to live my life, by defaulting to GOD for my love, rather then looking to people. A journey that, I have a sneaking suspicion will require constant surrender to him on a daily, hourly or minute by minute basis!

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